Moment of Mind
One of the spiritual influencers I follow, Sah D’Simone (whom I adore in part because of their/his videos which incorporate traumatic release movements, in often light-hearted ways) recently shared a reminder that the majority of thoughts we think are simply electrical signals created by the brain (they aren’t actually who you are), that are repetitive, negative, and while they may be real…as any experience is…they aren’t true. I invite you this week to explore questioning those thoughts and looking for what is more true than what they say.
The image at the top of the newsletter is where I currently am at – the system learning to yield and honor emotions rather than ignore them, fight them, or run from them. I feel like I may be in this phase for many more years and that’s okay.
This year marked another in the ongoing shift from much of my identity being centered on an anxiety condition…e.g. “I’m an anxious person” to an acknowledgment that this brain-body system is simply highly sensitive and prone to anxiety. I am not anxiety, or a condition, or a diagnosis.
Which means there’s a lot of internal noise that while I initially acknowledge as valid, am learning to disregard because… it’s not true. What seems more true is the vast learning capacity of this living system that I call a brainbody that’s
This past year has felt like this – an ongoing process of seeking clarity and separating what is true from what is not true. And untrue doesn’t mean invalid, or something to ignore or bypass or pretend isn’t there. In fact the whole “pretend it’s not there and it’ll go away” thing isn’t helpful for me most of the time anymore. Just like societally ignoring racism doesn’t make it go away, ignoring your own behavior patterns don’t make those go away either.
Where is the capacity of your system to continue in its aliveness more true than the thought of stuckness, of can’t-do-it-ness, of brokenness?
I’d love to hear what you notice,
much love,
Tia
Love for Your Inner Science Activist Nerd
I loved this book. (Book image to the left is of Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff, see interview with author here) It’s about parenting – from the perspective of visiting multiple indigenous communities (and related research) and what they have in common. A chunk of the book proceeds went back to the communities the author visited. Book link takes you to an interview with the author. I read this to learn how to better parent my inner child and to be a better villager for my friends’ children and the ones I get to learn with in public school systems as an educator. For me this book is about how applied mindfulness is a key ingredient in parenting, and how much better our world would be if we returned to life raising children among a group of interdependent, collaborative, humans (ideally with paid time off, health care and a robust safety net). Let’s start with the disclaimer that I’m not a parent. The author wrote this book as a “try some of these and see what works” instead of from a place of blame. So please know if you’re a parent that’s what I recommend too. The biggest ah-ha for me in the book was the difference between autonomy and independence. The society I grew up in values independence, not autonomy. Independence is not collaborative – it’s an ethic of “do it my way” and “don’t tell me what to do” of people as islands. It also sets up conflict between adults and children, and among adults when we grow up. Weirdly, independence can set up systems of dependency because one’s own capacity – and that of everyone else’s – isn’t recognized. It’s great for building resource-extraction based economies though.
For me this book is about how applied mindfulness is a key ingredient in parenting, and how much better our world would be if we returned to life raising children among a group of interdependent, collaborative, humans (ideally with paid time off, health care and a robust safety net). Let’s start with the disclaimer that I’m not a parent. The author wrote this book as a “try some of these and see what works” instead of from a place of blame. So please know if you’re a parent that’s what I recommend too. Here are some highlights:
- Children learn through seeing a skill role modeled, then having time to practice it, and getting acknowledgment on that skill. The ah-ha moment was that when children are excluded from learning by being told to go play while adults clean up – this role models that cleaning up is adult work, and that the role of the child is to follow their individual preference (play) – not to contribute. This sets up future conflict and prevents the child from learning to “read the environment” so they know when to clean up without being told or asked. whoops.
- Acknowledgment is feedback – it’s what they’re doing well and what could go better to support skill building; it’s not praise. The ah-ha here is that using a mix of praise and disapproval for behavior training can backfire by encouraging praise/attention-seeking cycles and rebellion/conflict *without* the child learning what we actually want them to do (esp. if it’s not role modeled or practiced). Great to return to when the inner child is in a seeking attention pattern.
- Fake or play versions don’t build skills – because the child knows that it doesn’t count. So pretend kitchens/yard work/wash up are great for the imagination, and they don’t teach children how to actually cook/tend/clean. HOWEVER using a dramatic reenactment in pretend later after a challenge, as part of feedback IS helpful.
- Welcome their work/contributions – Anyone who is micromanaged/criticized or thrown out knows how awful it feels. Give ’em a real broom and let ’em figure it out by doing, even if it’s messy – and then build on it. She has safety suggestions for things like knives/stoves.
- Breaking tasks down to their level is challenging – and the only way children can actually practice. Feeling emotions without projecting them onto children is how their bodies learn to self regulate and executive function comes in from our role modelling (e.g. frustration, anger, intolerance, criticism, blame, shame) – mindfulness practice!
- Humans only survived by cooperating and they have a natural desire to help – unless they learn to override this with individual preferences.
Autonomy is building and flexing one’s inherent capacity and learning to recognize/support it in others. It’s the core of acknowledgment feedback (not praise). It’s viewing each other, including children, as capable. It’s great for interdependence. It’s about seeing how your individual strengths and decision making power contribute to the community.
There are several limitations to the book. First of course is that this can be viewed as another moment of white people going in and taking wisdom from Indigenous people. I appreciated her sharing 1/3 of the advance with the communities and wondered why it wasn’t the profits in an ongoing way. Second, the examples are mostly people-with-uterus dominated (see this critique for more). And last, I wonder if the learning curve on shifting gears – particularly for single parents or those without other supports – would involve short term consequences (messy house, doing it the child way instead of the adult way, etc.) that parents may find so inconvenient and uncomfortable that they stop. Much of what is done in cultures where parenting is shared among the village is more difficult without that village or similar supports (take home message). Many of the patterns the author speaks to seem like adaptations to living in such a separated, insular society where parenting isn’t learned en masse.
I did pick up a bunch of tips for parenting my inner child though!
The second book to close out recommendations for the year is this little fun tour de force of breathing – multiple styles and the effects they have on the body (and awesome prehistory!!). Journalist James Nestor refers to himself and many he visits as pulmonauts and I loved this description. There’s a *lot* that’s understudied and unknown about breathing in terms of research, so I thought his focus on exploration was fitting. Click on here and you’ll find a series of breathing tutorials if you want to skip straight to the practices on his website. One major take home message is that there are cells in the brain that monitor carbon dioxide levels, and even if your body has plenty of oxygen, it will generate a panic attack if it perceives too much CO2 (from breathing shallowly and not exhaling fully – which is how CO2 leaves). So breathing long slow exhales is a good first step when you notice your body holding its breath from stress or anxiety.
Get Your Park Groove On
Metro Regional Government opened a new park this month in Washington County at 38263 SW Dixon Mill Rd, Cornelius called Chehalem Ridge – I encourage you to go check it out! The 1260 acre park has at least 6 miles of trails, many of them wide and ADA accessible. It also has a few routes for equestrian and mountain bike visitors. It has a day use area, accessible bathrooms, and a view (on non cloudy days) of the coast range and valley.
The caveats are it’s a ridge! Ridges are windy so wear layers. Some trails are steeper. It was most recently a Douglas Fir tree farm so it’s helpful to see what a monoculture of trees looks like.
P.S. Giving season explorations: Willamette Week Give Guide for non profits (so many categories, so many new organizations!); Mercatus Buy Native; Mercatus Buy Local (I have been really appreciating this!)
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