Moment of Mind
This past month the weekly newsletters oriented somewhat around the idea of expectations…and how they may relate to a desire for control. Similarly, the lack of expectations may relate to feeling states such as awe and happy-surprise (compared to the efftheworldIhatethis-surprise variations). I suspect that presence is always underneath the stormy thoughtmares and emotional weather patterns. We could think of it as aliveness instead of presence… the core of what we are emerges in these moments when expectations part.
This week I’d like us to notice the experience of novelty. I saw this brought up in social media feeds and folks talked about it in the Beauty at Work workshop I’ve been attending. Choose any one of the questions below to play with.
When you seek out a new food dish, restaurant, book, art, movie, call with a friend or relative, personal care item, or other experience, what do you notice about expectations and pleasure? Where do expectations affect the experience? Do expectations get in the way of enjoyment or enhance it? What’s the difference? How does newness relate to that previously touched on quality of surprise – is it in the negative or positive side of the equation? When does comparison enter in and dash delight or expand it? When does presence show up? What’s the difference between this sought out novelty and novelty of surprise that you didn’t (consciously at least) seek out?
When the brain creates expectations linked to desired control vs when the brain does not may be the difference between when we feel excited surprise versus goeffoff surprise. Have you noticed that when the novelty is a thrill the brain claims the self “did it”? And when the novelty illicits anger, frustration or pain with the surprise it may be the brain claims something was “done to me” or “I did something wrong/wasn’t good enough”?
In both situations this is the brain creating a narrative to make sense of life events. It’s inserting a streaming storyline of a “me” that is either in charge (and can/should control things) or is being negatively impacted in some way (and either didn’t control things right or didn’t escape becoming victimized by a nefarious outside force).
Control is illusory here – while there are choices, there’s no dictating of experience. Life experience, like life itself, is in continual flux. Just like your heart beat variability, the wobbles of pH, the gyrations of hormones, and even the motion of hydration levels in the body – it’s all in motion all the time without the self in charge. The self is a creation of the same living system. It’s part of the experience of being human.
In either of these storylines we may feel adrift, isolated, or lost. The two sides of this coin are relatively equivalent: both are the brain generating a story to make sense of events and to help the body take action via emotional responses. When we were little, the cultures we grew up in shaped the emotional responses our brain learned to associate with a variety of experiences. This is often why advice to parents is to not make a big deal when children fall or something happens that is startling/surprising. People are encouraged to acknowledge it and share that the child is loved, and move on. Because if you make a big deal – they’ll learn that this is what is expected. This is our nervous systems teaching/conditioning the nervous systems around us.
I continue to look at this illusion of control because I think nearly all of the suffering I experience is related to a belief that this self-identity, this concept of me (created by the brain just like the brain is creating breathing, heartbeats, thoughts, emotions, etc.) CAN and SHOULD control all the things. When there’s a belief that I should control something, and it’s apparent that I can’t, then there’s resistance. And instead of simply experiencing loss, now there’s loss and the brain creates resistance on top of it….which adds suffering.
Meanwhile, when there’s not a belief that I should control something, and it’s also apparent I can’t anyway, then there’s less resistance, anxiety, or pain.
That’s the funny thing I’m noticing about expectations – the brain can layer predictions and emotional response onto the self concept. So when an expectation isn’t met the brain may take this to mean it’s something about us. About our self-concept that we’ve learned to identify with. Just like we identify with the body, with thoughts, ideas, and with emotions. We think that’s what we are rather than those being transitory experiences the constant core us gets to experience (it’s been constantly experiencing throughout life).
I’m not advocating for deluding ourselves, encouraging artificial positive thinking, or suggesting rolling over and playing passive ‘opossum here. I’m inviting us to question what the mental patterns are. When they’re seen, more change is available. What are you seeing about expectations, surprise and novelty? I’d love to hear what you notice,
Much love,
Tia
Love for Your Inner Science Activist Nerd
| The book felt like it was breathing in my hands as I read it. If it were possible to push multiple sensory buttons in my system at the same time with words….this one does it. If there’s a thing called braingasms or what I consider a mixture of awe, amazement and thrill, then I experienced those reading it. The writing is my favorite kind of descriptiveness with some linear forward motion and a dash of self reflection thrown in. And so NERDY!!! #love. Plus it’s about the mushroom family whom I adore. And…it brings up a LOT of questions about consciousness which of course is also a favorite playground. |
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